I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
