In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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