Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
