if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
