I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
i think im in europe. pls send help
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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