No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
she woke up with a sticky ear
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
