I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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