The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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