You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
