the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
