I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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