This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
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getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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