Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
