she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
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Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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