More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
