I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
