If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
