Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
