Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
