if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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