My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My cat gives me a boner
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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