I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
