I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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