maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
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