Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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