you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
