I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
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He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
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the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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