i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.