bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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