OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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