i think my tv is drunk
i wish my penis had a tongue
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
