she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
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That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
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I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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