I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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