ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
