Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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