Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
