I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he was CRYING into my vagina
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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