How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
