Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
