going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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