just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
i need some magic done to my vagina
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
