I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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