my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
