You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
