He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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