we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
