Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
