just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
