I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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