I met the friendliest cop last night
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You've changed since you got that strap on
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize