Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
