my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
