my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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