You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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