She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I could fuck to npr.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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