i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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