my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he fucked my hip out of place.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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