Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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