at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
